It’s been a while since I last posted, and a lot has changed.I’ve been to my first NA meeting of the year and collected my twelve-month sobriety key ring, so that is fun. My career is also going well. I have a plan in place for that. I’m in a happy relationship, although I won’t lie, trying to hold down a relationship, do recovery, keep fit, eat, go to work, commute, rest, and have a life at the same time, isn’t easy. It’s not until you blog, a proven and effective way to free and unload the mind, that you realise sometimes what your achievements have been. This is a reminder to myself why I should get back to blogging once a day, even if it’s not juicy content.A big part of my recovery has been my health. Through the years of taking drugs and drinking, my liver paid the price, with elevated enzymes. I had to have a liver biopsy in the end, which showed stage 3 scarring. The good news is that those levels are returning now to much healthier levels, which is a sign of repair. This is being regularly monitored, so that is really good news. It may never be perfect, but as long as I don’t repeat any of the previous patterns of behaviour, I should be good. I will never forget my first consultation with the liver consultant, who offered, at the end of our appointment, a tour of his ward, to see the patients dying from destroying their livers through bad choices. I politely declined the offer. I am struggling with eating. I either eat too much, the wrong foods, or too little. I have always struggled with my diet. During the days of meth use, I would often think it was a fucked up replacement for food. Work that one out. Recently, I tried to move to limited calories, but I’m finding that kind of diet too restricting. I like to eat what I want. It doesn’t help that last year I was doing some really intense workouts 4 times a week and have since stopped those, and gone back to eating whatever I want, so this does mean I have put on a bit of weight. I’m trying to accept that this is OK. I can’t have everything. The intensity of also moving to a new city and starting a new life here meant that exercise just hasn’t been a priority. I commute to the office a few days a week, and that can take a couple of hours each day. I feel like I am making excuses. I have recently decided to stop taking the Vortioxetine (trintellix), which is an antidepressant I was prescribed for depression and anxiety. I don’t feel that it has offered much benefit. The side effects outweigh any benefits. Vortioxetine is generally prescribed to individuals who have treatnent resistant depression or cases where typical antidepressants have failed. I’m at the end of the road with antidepressants – they do not work for me, they do not offer me any relief. I also just don’t feel as depressed anymore, so I’d like to try life being off them. I’ve taken SSRIs/SRNIs for a long time for various life events and reasons.My anxiety remains a core issue, though, but I’d say my anxiety is a mirror reflection of what is going on in my life. I wanted to share what I feel makes me anxious.
- My relationship and sex
- Financial pressure and cost of living
- Unresolved trauma and conflict in my life
- Lack of patience
- My body image and my identity
I am taking steps to work on all of the above, but there is an almost baseline problem, which is that I seem to be generally unmotivated and lazy with some of this. I often find that I am kicking myself for not progressing as fast as I would like because of my lack of motivation.Last year, I had some psychologist-led therapy using somatic and psychotherapy methods, which I found extremely beneficial. That therapist was world-class, she knew her stuff, was potentially more intelligent than me and made me work. Unfortunately, those sessions were limited and were funded by an insurer related to an accident I was involved in historically. I did try in my new city to find therapy and had a handful of sessions, but gave it up after a month or two, as I didn’t find it useful. I probably should go back to her, but she ain’t cheap (£90 per hour).My clean time continues to grow, and my brain starts to repair. It’s kinda cool knowing that the receptors, brain cells and body heal in recovery. I like that. It offers me hope, resiliency and allows me to know that I made some decisions that were not healthy, but I am getting on with it now, and taking care of myself. As a hardcore drug addict, I once was; nobody can tell you what to do when you have an addiction to drugs. You don’t even care about the real prospect of having a heart attack or stroke. The only thing that matters is how quickly you will run out of drugs and when you will get your next bag, or as in my case, bottle.
