I don’t experience cravings to use drugs anymore—but I do still get flashbacks. Moments, memories, scenes from the chaos and intensity of my chemsex days sometimes flash through my mind. In fact, one came up just as I sat down to write this blog post. I remembered meeting someone at my old flat. We had incredible sex—at least that’s how it felt then. And with the memory came a wave of sadness or frustration, a physical ache, because I can’t go back to that time. A part of me still believes sex will never feel that good again without drugs.
I’m working hard to challenge that belief. I’m reminding myself that real, healthy, connected sex is possible—and that it can be just as fulfilling in its own way. The flashbacks don’t last long. They pass. I just have to keep breathing through them. Patience, patience.
The bright spot is this: my clean time is growing, week by week. And that’s something real I can hold on to.
