Day 20. It feels like an eternity.
I’ve fixed my sober counter—9 PM to 9 PM—so my days shift with each post. It’s a small detail, but when you’re counting every hour, it matters.
I’ve made a huge decision. Under medical supervision, I’m quitting my antidepressants. I want to feel everything—raw and unfiltered. Life already feels raw, like my skin is peeled back and exposed to the elements, but I need to experience it fully. I’ve realised antidepressants don’t work for me. They numb the pain, but they numb everything else too. What I’ve found that helps is talking. Just talking.
The standard 12-step programs don’t fit. They feel too clinical. So, I’m seeking connection elsewhere, in a way that feels more natural to me. I still hold on to some of the foundations of the 12 steps, but I’m finding my own path—counseling, meditation, exercise, reading. Small routines that keep me grounded.
At the heart of my addiction is escapism. Running away from my demons, my fears, my loneliness. But now I have to stop running. I have to face myself, no matter how broken I feel. One day at a time, that’s all I can do. I have to be in the right headspace to rebuild. I need to heal before I can even think about helping someone else or maintaining anything meaningful.
I know the version of me that I’m fighting for. He’s quiet, sensitive, kind. He deserves a chance to be loved and to live without hiding behind drugs or fear.
Right now, sex without drugs doesn’t even appeal to me. I crave connection—someone to hold me, to make me feel safe—but I know that has to come later, when it’s real, when it’s healthy.
I’m scared. I’m vulnerable. I’m anxious and raw, and every day feels like a battle. But today, I got some good news. Just enough to ease the pressure for a moment. Tomorrow is another fight. I’ll take it one step at a time.
