I’d go to work, then head straight home. As soon as I got in, I’d prepare to bottom and start to get high — it was all planned; nothing would get in the way. I’d usually take the tram, but if that felt like too much I’d grab a taxi. If the tram was delayed I’d become frustrated and angry, displaying paranoid symptoms from my addiction. If anyone stared at me on the tram I’d feel very uncomfortable. Often the tram was packed and some days I just couldn’t manage it.
Once home I’d make sure I had enough poppers; if I didn’t I’d order more, along with anything else I thought I needed. There was a local shop, so sometimes I’d buy sweets or flavored drinks to enhance my chemsex binge.
Then I’d open Grindr and start looking for sex — always quantity over quality. I’d message hundreds of people in a few hours, and sometimes, within minutes of someone leaving, a meet would happen. I’d become somebody’s toy for the time they were in my flat until they came. For most men on Grindr this was a short, fast exchange; often they’d be with me for fifteen or twenty minutes.
The intensity — the sex, the sensation, the high, the excitement — was overwhelming. I could cum several times in one night and still feel insatiably horny. Meth and GHB together were a potent combination: they energised me, removed my inhibitions, and amplified my desire. Even after I came, I’d still be consumed by horniness. The worst part was how indiscriminate I became: any sense of preference disappeared. A cock was a cock. I rarely knew who I was meeting; they could be any age or background. If someone couldn’t top or wasn’t fucking me the way I wanted, I’d ask him to leave. Most people walked in to find me on all fours — anonymous, often sleazy encounters that sometimes ended with my belongings being stolen.
Looking back, I’m often astonished at the situations I found myself in. I question whether it really happened — it all seems so ridiculous and unreal. It was an addictive behavior that was nearly impossible to shake off; it felt like my entire life. I existed only for that distorted, drug-fueled sexual identity.
