Recovery isn’t easy—it’s a journey full of ups and downs, and progress is far from linear. Maybe for some, it seems straightforward, but for me, it’s been anything but. At the start, I was sure I had it all figured out, cocky even. But that’s the addict in me—selfish, powerless, and stuck in denial.
I just completed Step 1 this weekend, working through the steps with my AA/CA sponsor. After multiple relapses and almost losing my life—my last use left me in a coma and intensive care—I’m finally starting to understand. I hadn’t fully accepted that I was powerless over my addiction. Chemsex drugs almost killed me, and I’ve now truly hit rock bottom.
I’d read Step 1 many times before, either on my own or with my sponsor, but it wasn’t until I hit my lowest point that it really started to click. Only then could I relate to it on a deeper level.
But that’s the point of this blog—not to give you the answers but to share my personal journey, which is unique to me. Maybe some of what I share will resonate with you, but I’ve learned to relate, not compare. Since hitting my rock bottom, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am an addict. An addict will do anything to chase that high, and for me, that high was tied to drugs and chemsex. Now, I realize that following the steps, attending meetings, and embracing this new way of living is the only medicine that will keep me from slipping back into my old ways. That’s why I take it one day at a time.
As long as I make it through today without using any mind-altering substances, without hurting anyone, or falling back into my old, selfish addict behaviors, I’m doing a good job. But it’s fucking hard because my brain is wired to crave a reward when I feel bad, and trust me, I’ve felt like shit a lot this weekend. But it’s okay to feel that way. In the past, feeling low meant one thing—getting high. I’d reach for the T to numb it all.
One day, I hope to have fun, manage my emotions, and handle life without needing drugs. But for now, I’m taking it as it comes. The days of sobriety are adding up—14 days and counting. And that’s something worth holding onto.
