I’m now 14 days into my recovery journey, and while it feels like an eternity, I’m proud to say I’ve stayed on track. Over these two weeks, I’ve been strictly adhering to the medication prescribed by my GP and Consultant Psychiatrist—primarily antidepressants and a small, controlled dose of legitimate Benzodiazepines and Z Drugs (none of that fake stuff dealers push) to help manage intense anxiety and insomnia.
A big win for me was getting on a plane, going on holiday, and actually relaxing without a care in the world. It’s hard to believe that just last Monday, I was hearing voices at the pharmacy. This holiday has been a game-changer—my anxiety has significantly decreased, and my mood has noticeably lifted. Weirdly enough, I’m starting to feel like my senses are coming back, little by little. I’m noticing subtle improvements daily—feeling, smelling, and reconnecting with the earth and my surroundings. I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s true.
That being said, I know this journey is far from over. I’m acutely aware of how easily I could fall back into old habits. Stress has always been a major trigger for me, and crystal meth provided a quick escape whenever I felt overwhelmed—especially when it came to sex. For far too long, I was caught in a cycle where sex only felt meaningful with the help of chemicals (as absurd as that may seem), and breaking free from that pattern is one of my biggest challenges now.
Moving forward, I need to learn how to experience sex naturally—without any chemical crutch. When sex does happen again, it’ll be because it feels right, because I have genuine, deep feelings for the person, and not because I’m chasing a high. It’s a huge shift, but I know it’s necessary for my recovery.
Managing triggers is a crucial part of this process. With Manchester Pride coming up at the end of this month, I’m already making plans to be out of town during that weekend. I trust myself not to get caught up in the scene, but I’m aware of how easy it would be to relapse, especially when so much of my past revolved around sex and substances. That’s why I’m taking steps to remove as many triggers as I can. One of the biggest changes I’m making is planning to leave Manchester city center. The city has been great, but it’s also nearly killed me by fostering an environment where risky, dangerous sexual behaviour thrives among gay men.
I’m done with being treated like a piece of meat. Just yesterday, I was stared down by a local “PT” who’s nothing more than a tattooed whore—completely vile. He’s nothing like his photos online, all photoshopped to hell. Honestly, I hope he rots in death.
