I was born in the 90s — a time when being gay was just about tolerated, but far from truly accepted. Even though attitudes were slowly shifting, I still got bullied for who I was. Back then, you couldn’t openly be yourself. The weight of judgment from older generations hung heavy in the air, pushing many of us to hide or dilute our identities just to survive.
It wasn’t that long ago — the 1980s, in fact — when the then-chief of Greater Manchester Police described gay men as “swirling around in a cesspit of their own making.” That kind of language leaves scars. And it wasn’t just about one man’s opinion — it reflected a culture that labelled us as deviant, dirty, and dangerous. No amount of rainbow-washing today can erase the shame we were taught to carry.
That shame seeps deep. Internalised homophobia, a fractured sense of identity, low self-worth, and eroded self-esteem were — and still are — common experiences for many of us. Studies have long shown that gay men often form closer emotional bonds with their mothers. Many of us (though not all) show traits considered traditionally feminine, and I believe this is linked to how we developed — often distancing ourselves from male peers and masculine norms out of fear, rejection, or simple survival instinct.
I don’t personally believe people are just “born gay.” I see sexuality — particularly queerness — as something deeply shaped by our early experiences. Our identities don’t form in a vacuum. Many of us grew up in complex, chaotic households: environments filled with conflict, abuse, silence, or separation. While these struggles aren’t exclusive to gay people, they remain deeply relevant to who we are and how we move through the world.
So where does that leave us today?
We’ve made undeniable progress. There’s more visibility, more acceptance, more language to name what we feel. But beneath the surface, are we still carrying that same trauma in our bodies? Are we still finding ways to turn down the volume on the shame we were taught — or simply pretending it’s gone?
Even when we think we’ve overcome it, have we really?
